On Pluggers and Chargers

The sun is about to set, and the way out of the forest is nowhere near in sight. It will take at least half an hour to get back, and the sun will have set by then. But I'm not alone. By my side is a person I have known for a very long time. A friend – but is he really?
As we walk through the darkening forest, light falls on one of his character traits. This is the first time I noticed it. Now that I look back, it was always clear as day: every time I share something of myself, he tells me a similar story that happened to him. The attention flows into his direction again.
By the time we reach the car, I'm exhausted. Not by the walk back, but by the conversation. I drop him off and drive home. After arriving at my place, the only thing I want to do is to lay down. Turn my brain off.
Wait. Don't I always feel like that when I spend time with him? Drained of every single spark of energy?
Then I realize it: my "friend" is a plugger, and I have been plugged.

Pluggers are the bane of social life. They "plug" into your energy resources. They always tell you what a good friend you are. How great they feel after talking to you. Yet the effect on you is a little different. Pluggers make the idea of never wanting to talk to anyone ever again rather tempting.
Another sign is their self-obsession. If you pay careful attention, they're not interested in you. Your experiences don't seem important. They find ingenious ways to lead the conversation back into their direction. Should you want to protect your energy, then you can do one thing only: run away from them.
I had the displeasure of knowing many pluggers, and they have one thing in common: they never change. I believe in the ability for people to change and reinvent themselves. But these individuals seem to be particularly resistant to it.
Pluggers are, in short, not good company, not even for their own kind. It's impossible for two pluggers to spend time together for a longer period. Two pluggers create the epicenter of human energy drainage. So there must be a counterpart to the plugger – otherwise what is there to plug into?

The opposite of pluggers are true reservoirs of life force. People who make a two hour conversation feel like a week of vacation. People you can't wait to see again. Let's call these people chargers. Chargers are the epitome of good company. These people are easy to spot. Every time you spend time with them, you feel powerful enough to tackle the difficulties of life.
The best way to describe a charger comes from the art of improv theater. Improv is a form of live theater where the actors make up scenes on the go – they improvise. And in improv, there's a concept called "yes and...". The most fun in improv comes from elevating your partner, which is exactly what the concept of "yes and..." leads to. Whatever your partner does, you accept and build upon. Chargers, by their nature, create the same positive energy as "yes and".
This could paint chargers as people who always agree with you, yet that's not the case at all. Since disagreement can short-circuit the conversation, the concept of "yes and..." works wonders. If you disagree with a statement of the other person, you can say "yes and I would love to know why you think that" (courtesy of Vinh Giang) . This strategy leads to much more positive outcomes.

There is some nuance here: putting people into two different groups is a simple way of looking at the world. You're not either a plugger or a charger, but a bit of both. Even if your default is being a charger, you might slip into plugging once in a while. But if you want to attract other chargers, you must become one yourself. From what I can tell, the following qualities are what every charger has plenty of:

• Active listening: Focus on what the other person says. Waiting for your turn to speak is not listening. Only by listening to what is said can you understand the other person. Otherwise you can also talk to a mirror.
• Assume no malice: Most people don't go out of their way to hurt others. If it happens, then it might be a dormant coping mechanism or them rallying their defenses. They're probably not even doing it consciously. Whenever they do something negative, assume no bad intent – but keep count.
• Be authentic: This might alienate some people – but who cares? Chargers are not people-pleasers. They don't say what the other person wants to hear, but what rings true to them. Since they engage in an authentic manner, it lowers the barrier for others to also be their authentic self.
• Speak truthfully: Simple, but not easy. But there are so many advantages of always being truthful. You don't have to remember the lie you told. But the greatest effect comes later for you. Because you always know when you're lying, the subconscious knows it too. This influences the degree of how much you believe yourself. Because who in their right mind would believe a liar? Of course, there are some nuances to it. Sometimes, a white lie can help get out of a situation you'd rather not be in. Since it's not your job to sacrifice your wellbeing for the whims of others all the time, this is acceptable.

Aim to have as many chargers in your life as possible. This is especially true in today's social environment. Because people are less and less engaged, it's a blessing for everybody when a charger appears. They are some of the loveliest people you will ever meet.

There are many benefits to cutting out pluggers and being a charger. But the greatest might be that you're not only good company for others, but to yourself. Life consists of many lonely moments. The ones where you only have yourself. But by being good company, you're never truly alone. With this mindset, you can plug into resources you never knew you had, and charge on right ahead.