The Blessing and Curse of Identity

I pace back and forth in front of my car. Snowflakes fly past me as I stomp the ground with every step I take. The air is as cold as ice, but I'm fuming with red-hot rage on the inside. I have been waiting for the past quarter of an hour for a friend. It is not the first time that he is late. It is also not the second time. It is the norm. This is mildly agitating to me, since I have not been blessed with the gift of patience. Waiting on someone doesn't just drive me up a wall – it makes me want to slam my head through it.
He finally shows up after five more minutes of hating my life. He has the biggest smile on his face, and I look like a boxer getting ready to step into the ring.

"You know I am always late."
"You know I am impatient!"

After five more minutes of talking, everything is forgotten, and we are on our merry way.

What I realized after looking back at this situation isn't that I should get my friend a watch for his birthday (he already has one anyway). What I couldn't get my mind off was the character traits we have given ourselves. It is not what we said when describing these traits; it is how we said it: "I am." As if these traits are part of who we are – part of our identity.

At first glance, it looks like my friend being late is the identity part that affected the situation the most. Whenever I remember this story, I find it comical that I was not able to see that my impatience is a catalyst for his tardiness. If I were more peaceful and calm, it would not bother me as much. Would it have been better if I had not become upset? It might have been better in the short term, since my friend and I would not have had a dispute. But being late can also become disrespectful. With tardiness, it can seem like you're not valuing the time of the other person – and time is the most important resource we have.

This begs the question: when can your identity help you out – and when does it harm you?

Let's look at some examples.
If working out is a daily habit for you, it is not only a habit of yours. Such persistent actions transform habits into a part of your identity. Instead of being somebody who works out, you're an athlete. As studies show, having a regular workout habit is one of the greatest indicators of a healthy life. So having "athlete" as part of your identity seems beneficial.
But what if you smoke? Is it that beneficial for a good life to incorporate "smoker" into your identity? If you consider increasing your chance of developing cancer by 15-30 times a good thing, then being a smoker is for you. Otherwise, I would advocate against it.

People are so starved for having an identity that they make their self-destructing tendencies part of it.

“I am someone who is always late”
“Never fully trusting people is part of who I am”
“I think so fast that I need to interrupt people when I’m speaking”

The list goes on and on.

In this case, these individuals abuse the concept of identity to justify not changing their behavior.

“I am someone who is always late” → Lack of time management skills
"I am impatient!" → Lack of peace and calmness
“Never fully trusting people is part of who I am” → Lack of self-esteem and honesty
“I think so fast that I need to interrupt people when I’m speaking” → Lack of active listening skills

Making a behavior part of your identity can also be plain convenient. Giving the responsibility for your actions to your identity is taking the easy way out. It keeps you from having to change your behavior.

It seems to me that for the best life possible, you have to push negative traits away while pulling yourself toward positive ones. But here is the harsh truth: changing your identity requires effort.
Here is an even harsher truth: the human brain does not like exerting effort.

Now, the dilemma is clear as day: It does not matter if you push negative traits away or pull yourself towards positive ones – both require effort. So if having fewer negative and more positive traits truly leads to a better life, double the effort is needed. But there is also a more optimistic point of view. You can exert a pushing and a pulling force, which lets you use more power. This makes the change in the right direction much more potent.

All these cases may lead to a better or worse life, but they are not threatening a good life. It looks like true danger stems from incorporating beliefs into your identity. By definition, a belief is a mental attitude that a proposition is true, or likely to be true, without needing absolute certainty. Because of this uncertain nature of belief, it’s dangerous to make beliefs part of your identity. This is what leads people to rather die on a hill than to change their deeply held beliefs.

It’s easy to spot identities that are entangled with beliefs: refute the belief they have. If the belief is not part of their identity, you might start discussing the topic. But if the belief is part of their identity, be ready for the rage of a thousand storms. Because the belief is part of their identity, not just the belief gets attacked – but also their identity. This triggers the ego. It’s only natural to defend one’s ego, so the belief gets defended. Here’s the funny part: even if the belief is logically disproven during the discussion, most people will still defend it. I had to realize that these people don’t actually defend their belief, but their identity and ego. As you can see, making a belief part of your identity can make your thinking rigid.

The positive benefits of a strong identity cannot be overstated, though. For example, a strong identity leads to strong authenticity. If you know who you are, it’s much easier to be confident. Confidence in your identity allows you to not adapt it to please other people. This breeds authenticity – and authenticity is your competitive advantage.

It seems that a strong identity is important for a good life, but it must be moldable. As soon as a part of your identity is carved in stone, it becomes rigid and burdensome. As with many things, the middle path seems the best one to take.

From what I can tell, it is with identity as it is with beliefs: A strong identity – loosely held.